I should be running around, pulling out my hair right now. i have a lot of work to do before the festival on Saturday!
Or i should have passed out from exhaustion after a emotional and busy weekend.
But i am filled with a sense of peace.
peace because i think that i finally admitted that i am afraid....
i feel called to move to Austin in the fall, to help my dear friends church plant.
i feel called to ministry for the long term, for my life.
and i am afraid of not having a program safety net. if i fail, i fail. i don't get to say i tried my hardest, pat myself on the back and go home. i would be home. and i'm sure what success really means, even if i had it.
i don't think it's money. and i don't think it's how easy or trouble free things are......
and i feel as i if i'm standing on the edge of something larger than i. on a cliff, as if my heart is telling me, or maybe God is telling me that either i believe this stuff about loving God and my neighbor, or i don't. i either believe this way is the way ,or it's not. and i need to make a decision about whether or not to jump, knowing that this is it.
and that theme is coming out of my heart in a variety of different ways.
it's coming out in the type of consumer i think i should be.
it's coming out in my planning out what type of job i'll be looking for in Austin.
it's coming out in how i should be doing my job here.
it's coming out in great heart-ache as i realize that Santa Rosa was my childhood home, and that at present i am only "visiting" the gulf coast.
and moreover, i have this crazy dream...that the church could really be the church with one another, and with the world. and that thought won't leave me alone.
i don't want to sound to melodramatic, but that's how it feels. overwhelming, and it makes me afraid.
but am deciding to jump. net or no net. jumping into life unknown but desired.
knowing that ultimately this is what i've wanted. life abundant, not life figured out.
and so this fear is turning into a peaceful, albeit exciting, leap.
p.s. donna, thank you for allowing me to feel safe enough to get to this place, and for reminding me that i am not crazy...and to trust that that's what happens when you seek God's heart.
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Linda~God is directing you as you make this leap. Your response to God's call is so inspirational to me (even if you don't feel like you are doing much to inspire). I'm praying for you as you prepare for this huge transition. Love you.
ReplyDeleteGO4GOD SWEETIE~ WE ARE PRAYING FOR YOU! LOVE THE GONZALEZ FAMILY
ReplyDeleteIt's funny you talked about abundant living. God has been showing me what it means to be fully alive. That's my current life theme. Jimmy and Katie even bought me a personalized license plate that will say "flly alv". Once I get some more of my thought together about it, I'll give you a call. I'd love to talk about it with you. I admire you, Linda. Keep living Jesus' Way. I'm so proud of you.
ReplyDeletelovelylinda, thank you so much for sharing these thoughts! your willingness to take the leap inspires me to do the same! ( net or no net =) )
ReplyDeletelinda i think that taking that step is having Faith and i think that once you realize that what your doing should and is for God them i thimk that is when you really know that he will always have a saftey net for you because you are doing his will. I think God has you right where your supposed to be and he will go through great lengths to let you know that. I hope that he shows you soon Exactly why you should be in miss. Now and Texas later. Everything will work out the way he plans even if it's not Linda's plan. I'm Really Proud of you sis! I wish i could have your heart, I'm glad your doing everything that you are it makes me happy and i'm sure your much appreciated by the people you are helping. Your going to so great and even for some reason if you don't it's Okay. Just " breathe" love you!, gracie
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