nine? nine! nine.

the moment before i cry, really from deep inside cry. i feel like there is this whole hard boiled egg in my throat. the shape of it taking up all the space in there, like it's making way for something else to exist. something else that doesn't quite have a name. sorrow maybe.

i haven't slept well in the past 3 nights, tonight will be four. because that feeling is hanging out inside of me, as if at any given moment i will burst into a sobbing mess. i'm tossing and turning and wishing for a new day to come and end this anxious anticipation.

and cursing the thing that makes me this crazy, it's just the fact that


i


love.


i love people here. i think they might love me. and i don't know how to say good-bye to them. i don't know how to

to really be

whole?

i am a person who has pieces of her heart all over the place.
they lie about the country, scatted about like stars in the night sky...


and i

hurt.

i hurt at leaving behind people i love.

a lot.

too much?

not enough?


and at the same time, overjoyed at the thought of seeing and touching and kissing and laughing with other people i love. really, overjoyed beyond words.

it's a hard thing, to be divided.