can we turn the polka down a notch?

I have had kind of a hard time transitioning. I think maybe everyone does but i'm pretty self-centered and don't really know about that. except this time...i have friends who have also done this crazy thing with me..this permanent move across the country to "do church" the way we feel we should,and with the desire to invite others into that. it's really very cool, and when i talk about it (or write about it) i get very excited and for a moment forget that i'm tired. i'm tired of job hunting, interviews, of feeling like i can't really help anybody,temp-ing, of looking for cheap furniture, of saying "when i finally have an income i'll ______", not having the bustling social life i'm used to and thrive off of. I'm tired of always being lost, of hearing my neighbors blast their mariachi/spanish polka music into the wee hours,of not knowing them well enough to join the party, of not feeling like life has "started" yet.


it's been a really long day, and at present i'm not in the worlds best mood. and so i tend to not sound hopeful. i am. but i think hopeful right now is not me having the right optimistic thing to say but rather knowing i'm where i'm supposed to be. i feel it in my bones, i know it in my "knower". I know that God is faithful. and someday (hopefully soon) i will know where i'm going with having to unfurl a map, i will have friends and not enough time to visit them all, i will have a larger and diverse jesus-loving people-loving community to worship with ( i do now...but it will grow in number and depth). it will happen. i know it will. i know that in my knower.

but my heart is impatient.
i'm overwhelmed sometimes with the fear that i might fail at this. that i am failing at this, and that maybe thomas and mellissa(and God) didn't know what they were doing when they asked me to come here. i know that's not true.

so, hope. yea, i have that. faith, yes. patience? not so much.