I had a no good, very bad day. I continue to be car less (unable to drive stick- which really is half the battle in buying any "new" old car) and the stress is making me loopy! Really, I'm so worried.
Anyway, after I was ridiculously late to work today [(overslept, no alarm this morning)and my boss made me take some time to get it together]I found myself at Barnes and Noble tracking down a book a good friend said I must read. I didn't find it.
But the depressing thing is I was stuck wandering up and down the "Christian Living" aisle looking at book after book about some fantastic Christian who was a loser at some point, then Jesus helped them and now they know how to pray or have really amazing thoughts about loving God better, or they have figured out how to Sabbath in every moment of their daily life.
I might be exaggerating. Either way, I didn't see anything that said "I dropped the F-Bomb eight times this morning, and at least twice during prayer" or " I know I heard God's voice once, okay a bunch, about doing the thing I'm doing but I'm a miserable failure and can't seem to get it right even with the God of the universe helping me".
It made me feel depressed. I'm terrible at this life.
I am SO FAR from being the person I wish I was.
I am no Mother Teresa. Because i know that she has said that if she could make one other person fall in love with Jesus because of they way she lived her life it would be worth it.
I don't think I live that way, or even desire to live that way. I want to WANT to DESIRE to live that way.
I just want to wan to still love God, Or still feel like a person loved by God when I think the world stinks and me in particular.
Today was a gray,cloudy,cold day. All day. In Austin, and inside my heart.
I have another friend who I talked to today. She is wonderful. She prayed for me, loved me (even with her kids screaming for her in the background) in the midst of her own craziness and it gave me hope.
She gave me hope that there will be an end to all things...and at the end a good God who loves me, and who loves this miserable world is all that matters.
I'm starting to feel a little better.
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Linda, thanks for your openess on this..it reminded me of another blog that I sometimes read..I don't know this woman, but I admire her faith, and I think not only will her honesty comfort you, you might also find another great blog to read. :) Anyway, check it out:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.swingingfromthevine.com/2008/01/16/an-imperfect-faith/
Love you!
I hope things are better for you Linda. We all have no good, very bad days like that. I have had plenty of experience with them myself. But God is always faithful. God uses our struggles to help us grow. You know this already, I'm sure. I just wanted to encourage you. I didn't do enough of that back in MS. I wish I acted differently in the past. But that's behind me. All we can do is be who God calls us to be right now. I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeletethanks gina. thanks dwayne. I appreciate it!
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