Current Word?

Last week I had lunch with someone who has known me since the fourth grade. Alea became my best friend that first day of school, and we've gotten in trouble every grade since then for talking with each other in class. I cannot fool her, She knows my family, She's seen me in all my awkward stages.I don't ever really censor myself with her because , even though we've chatted only about once a year for the past 3 years, i think she has a way of knowing what I'm thinking.

Alea gave me a pretty good scolding during lunch. we talked for awhile about our families, about her nursing career, about her lost loves and about the future. I told her about my crappy spiritual place and how I don't want to become a minister anymore. I told I wasn't cut out for the church and how I have no plans for the future, how I feel lost.

Alea would not have it! She took the time to remind me of who I am. Among other things Alea said this:

" This is ridiculous. How could you do anything else? You will always be in ministry, whatever that means, I mean, you taught me who God was in the 6th grade. I never forgot that. I still pray all the time, and I know I'm not perfect, but you also taught me he loves me anyway. I don't go to church because there are too many people who tell me otherwise, but i know that's not true because of you . You have to do this, you can't stop. So don't worry about how that looks to other people ".

The thing is, I think God is actually "speaking" to me again. I am hesitant to say that because I don't have a lot of faith and I'm still kinda angry at God for "abandoning me" in this silence....

But this past week, I heard the same words OVER AND OVER AGAIN from some of my dearest friends, from people i consider to be family. Not in a way that was audible to me but through the one aspect of Christianity that still makes sense to me , in community. My community has said to me that God loves me, has made me into the person that I am, and that's okay; better than okay- it's very good.

I think the other thing that has come out of it is kind of this thought that I thought I knew who God was- I excepted a constant conversation that i didn't really treasure. I thought I did.... But now I think that really I was acting like a spoiled child. I wanted God to always hold me, always talk to me, always stand one step behind me and in front of me without having to struggle or figure things out or really wrestle with what my life of faith should look like.The other day my Dad told me that He doesn't worry about me, He doesn't pace the floors wondering if I've managed to dress myself, tie my own shoes, feed myself, go to work, or pay my bills. Neither does he worry that I will be loving towards my neighbor or that I will seek the Lord (he does worry about who I will vote for). He said that although he loves me he doesn't worry about any of those things because he knows me and he trusts me to do the right thing, and to live life well. He trusts that I have grown up into a woman who doesn't need him hovering over my shoulder every moment of the day, that i might mess things up, but that I'll also fix them. He said that God might be a little like a father who trusts his daughter.

Both of those "words" make me feel at ease. I'm not sure when It happened that i wasn't freaked out by God's silence, or all the questions that have arisen in that time (and I may not be over this period either!) but for the first time in MONTHS I feel as if it's okay. That I'm okay, that God hasn't abandoned me, that I will figure out what I meant for and that this process is part of it.

I'll let you know how this goes..